Dissapointment

I’ve recently seen a few films who have a character of a mother not so different from my own. I don’t want to spoil any movies for anyone so I wont say much about the films themselves just how I reflected upon them. One film in particular “August Osage County” was a film I could not get out of my head.
This film made me sad for my mother. Realizing how lonely her world must be these days. Letting years go by without even trying to repair a relationship with your children (daughters) is just mind-blowing to me. I also think how hard it must be for her to remain so angry and spiteful. It takes so much energy to be that way, exhausting.
I also found it interesting that it is my mothers daughters that she is estranged from. What is it that she sees in us that she cannot face? We, in my eyes at least have done what any mother would be proud of. My sister and I are both successful in our lives both in family and careers. Yet we obviously have let her down somewhere along the line, in her eyes at least. Or is it that we do not need her. But what is that need, that needs fulfilling?
Another interesting point, my mother has two sons as well. Whom she is fairly close to. They are less successful in the sense of family and careers. And I love them non the less. I guess you could say they tend to be more like my mother emotionally. Maybe she relates to them, and does not relate to us girls.
What ever it is I just want to learn from this and not repeat the behavior. I would never want to hurt my daughter in this way or push her away. Also I would never want my daughter to feel towards me the way I feel towards my mother. Which is mostly disappointment. Disappointment from the lack of ability to see what pain she is causing and life she is missing out on.

A Dream

Today I was inspired to write about a Daily prompt that was given on a dream or nightmare I remember. I had this particular dream while I was pregnant. I don’t know if this stands for everyone, but at least for me I dreamt just about every night during my pregnancy. Maybe it was the hormones that made me dream so frequently.
It was early in my pregnancy, I didn’t know the sex of the baby yet. In my dream I was going into labor. I was in a hospital room, with a nurse and my husband. Here is the bizarre part. Instead of me giving birth to my baby my purse was! It was my Michael Kors saddle bag. The opening of the bag was literally dialating before my eyes! I saw the opening contract and retract with every labor pain. Before my very eyes I saw my baby being born, through my purse.
When the baby was finally born the nurse handed me the baby. The baby wasn’t a baby at all but a baby doll. I told the nurse no that’s not a baby its a doll. The nurse then took the baby from me cleaned it up and handed it back to me. Only this time it was a real baby. I held the baby up to my face and looked at it. It was a girl! She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I remember looking at that babies little face and instantly having this intense overwhelming feeling of pure love! I cried tears of happiness. Ive never felt this before. We think we know love, but until you hold your baby in your arms, all the love you thought you knew doesn’t even compare.
Sorry hunny, I absolutely adore you and love you too! But a mothers love for a child is something I guess only a mother can understand. A few weeks after I had this dream I went to get an ultra sound done and hopefully find out the sex of the baby. The Tech asked me if I had any idea of what I thought the sex was going to be, and if I had had any dreams. So naturally I told her about my purse dream. Turns out my dream was right! We were having a girl! apparently it is very common for pregnant women to dream about their unborn babies and discover the sex. isn’t that crazy!
So what did this dream mean? Maybe it was my fear of labor. Maybe the baby wanted me to know who she was. Either way that is definitely a dream I will never forget.

Dolly, Not just another day

So I didn’t write yesterday. Mostly because life consumed me. And by the time I had the chance my eyeballs literally screamed at me to rest them. So I relaxed with a couple of friends.
I really didn’t eve know what to say yesterday. I was so consumed in re-writing a resume and job hunting, by the time I had a chance to myself I was clueless. My header literally said ‘Untitled’.
Getting back in the job market is so overwhelming and scary. I haven’t worked in a few years so I feel super unqualified. At least I have a degree, and a cosmetology license…. And who’s going to watch the baby. Geeze who do I trust to watch her? So scary!
Babies new word is “Fish”! She has a little Nemo fish. She runs around the house saying Fiss Fiss!. She is so cute! I can’t even imagine life without her!

Dolly 3, Just to clarify

First of all I would like to say I wrote a really amazing piece just now and I freaking lost it to this stupid cyber world! GRRR! So this is my second attempt tonight. Thank goodness the baby is asleep and the vino is now flowing. secondly, I would also like to thank everyone who has commented on my posts. It really means a lot to me. This has been a huge achievement and challenge in my life and I am so happy for you all to ride this new adventure with me. Thank you and I love you all!

So just to clarify, my mother is not this horrible monster who locked me up in a dark dingy dungeon somewhere and tortured me. She actually can be a very beautiful person. She was a young mother who didn’t have the best of role models. She did not know what the hell to do with a child or children for that matter. She was a child herself and she just might still be that child who doesn’t know what to do.

I do not blame her for it. I am taking this experience and making the best of it. What else am I supposed to do. Drink endless bottles of delicious red wine, and smoke myself silly? Ok… You caught me. I do indulge on many occasions. But it is all in good sensible nature.

I am not One of those crack head mommy’s with children you see on the side of the road holding signs that read “help homeless and need to feed my children” You know the ones, we all see them. We pretend not to, we lock our doors and roll up our windows, and we pray the damn light turns green soon. We pretend not to stare, but we are. Were wondering what the hell happened to them. Then we see the children’s faces and we just want to feed them or help in some way. Then finally the light turns green, the moments passed and we drive on our merrily way. No, I am not that crack head holding up sings. Just to Clarify.

I am who I am because of how I was raised. It has made me who I am today. I am a wife, a sister, a friend, and the best damn mother I can possible be. I will always strive to be the best I can be for the rest of my life. That is the only thing I know to do. And guess who instilled those morals into my life. Yup, good ol’ Dolores! ” Be the best you can be, you need to be able to take care of yourself because nobody is going to take care of you but you!” That’s what she always told us. That is what I’ve always lived by.

Ever since I could remember my mother worked, and was a single mother. She had her own business, a hair salon. She worked long days and came home tired. But she always made sure she cooked us dinner and had food in the refrigerator. She did what she could. I was able to see a woman with her own business working her butt off with four children. She was my role model for a long time. I looked up to her. She was super woman to me. Then I grew up.

I moved out when I was seventeen years old. I finished high school and put myself through college successfully. I wanted to be able to pay my own bills and bring home my own grocery’s. I figured that since I was working and helping my mother pay bills, that I could do it for myself. So I worked all through high school and college. I am ok with this, it has made me who I am today. And I am proud of who I am. No I am not perfect, but I do what I can, and I love with every ounce of me that there is. And for all of that I thank you Dolores, Mom. Thank You.

Dolly 2

So this is day two of my writing challenge and I am not quite sure where to begin? I guess I could go into details of that night where my mother’s world came crashing down. When all she wanted to do was kick and scream. To die and hide forever in her web of secrets and lies. And all I wanted to do was punish her for making me keep her secrets, and carry on like nothing. To ignore the fact that everything I saw affected me and my life. But I won’t, the details of that night aren’t important nor are countless other nights. At least at this point in time, maybe in a later letter.
The important thing here for me, is that I feel good about what I did. I set my self free. I couldn’t keep her secrets inside any longer, and she is mad at me for that. Or maybe she’s not mad at me at all an is actually mad at herself. But she can’t seem to realize or admit that to herself. Either way I have learned how to take charge of my own life. I learned that following the patterns that were set for me in life is not always the best path to take. I have learned that hard way, and almost at the cost of my marriage. I learned that it’s ok to admit when I’m wrong or at fault. No matter how hard it may be or how hurtful, and to be ok with that.
There is not one perfect person in this whole world. I definitely am not perfect. So why do we all try so hard to be perfect? I think the imperfections of life is what makes this world so beautiful. How else can we tell if something is truly magnificent? We can’t have good without the bad. Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves to be what we are not. Or to be what someone else is or wants us to be. Each and every one of us is a liar or cheater in some sort of aspect in our lives, some more than others. lets accept it, move on and improve the parts of our lives that were not proud of. Isnt that the best we can do anyways? Were not superheros here.
I like to think that all families have their own deep dark secrets. Maybe they do, maybe they don’t, and maybe they stay in the dark. How can we live your life to its fullest with that weight on your shoulders? Some things are just meant to be said. Or are they? I guess I am on that journey of finding out.

Dolly,

No, this is not about the big breasted blond bombshell we typically think of when we hear the name Dolly. Dolly is a nick name for my mother Dolores. It was given to her as a child by various family members. Which they still use today. But to me she is mom, or lately it has been Dolores.
You see Dolores has not spoken to me in over a year. There was a falling out of sorts last Thanksgiving at my house. You know kind you see in movies and are glad its just a movie and not your life. Well it was one of those fights but it was my life. The night was fueled with family, delicious food, beer, wine and the dreadful margarita. This was the night where all the beans were spilled. Metaphorically speaking.
Have you ever felt the that feeling where you want to say something but you know you can’t say a word. If you do you will be in “trouble”. I have felt this feeling since I was in highschool, and I am now in my thirties. Well that night, I had had enough!
I being a new mother myself, and recently mending my own life through therapy, couldn’t take it. I know I had always wanted to confront the demons that had been plagued my ability to forgive, and maybe to even love. I understood the consequences that were entailed. I had been rehashing how the scene would unravel in my mind for many years. But never thought id have the courage to face.
I did it. I confronted my demon. It was terrifying. I was shaking, I could hear my heart pounding in my ears and feel it in my fingertips. It was also refreshing, like a new breath, the weight on my shoulders dissipated. But it was at a major price. The price of sacrificing the relationship with my mother, and my step father.
So this blog is dedicated to her, my mother. In hope that maybe one day she will see things in another perspective. I don’t know if she will ever read this. She definitely will not speak to me, or even look at me. This is my way of expressing I am sorry for any hurt I caused.
I am challenging myself to write for thirty minutes a day for thirty days. I am no writer by all means. The last thing I most likely wrote was a grocery list. Although I am a college graduate from Chico State any paper properly written was well over seven years ago. I am also a wife, a sister, an auntie and a new mom.
My entries may be letters directly to my mother. Some days I may just write about the day. I am new to all this blogging stuff, so I hope to improve this blog in time with maybe some pretty pictures and other stuff. Either way Who ever is out there reading this I hope you enjoy.