Dissapointment

I’ve recently seen a few films who have a character of a mother not so different from my own. I don’t want to spoil any movies for anyone so I wont say much about the films themselves just how I reflected upon them. One film in particular “August Osage County” was a film I could not get out of my head.
This film made me sad for my mother. Realizing how lonely her world must be these days. Letting years go by without even trying to repair a relationship with your children (daughters) is just mind-blowing to me. I also think how hard it must be for her to remain so angry and spiteful. It takes so much energy to be that way, exhausting.
I also found it interesting that it is my mothers daughters that she is estranged from. What is it that she sees in us that she cannot face? We, in my eyes at least have done what any mother would be proud of. My sister and I are both successful in our lives both in family and careers. Yet we obviously have let her down somewhere along the line, in her eyes at least. Or is it that we do not need her. But what is that need, that needs fulfilling?
Another interesting point, my mother has two sons as well. Whom she is fairly close to. They are less successful in the sense of family and careers. And I love them non the less. I guess you could say they tend to be more like my mother emotionally. Maybe she relates to them, and does not relate to us girls.
What ever it is I just want to learn from this and not repeat the behavior. I would never want to hurt my daughter in this way or push her away. Also I would never want my daughter to feel towards me the way I feel towards my mother. Which is mostly disappointment. Disappointment from the lack of ability to see what pain she is causing and life she is missing out on.

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A Dream

Today I was inspired to write about a Daily prompt that was given on a dream or nightmare I remember. I had this particular dream while I was pregnant. I don’t know if this stands for everyone, but at least for me I dreamt just about every night during my pregnancy. Maybe it was the hormones that made me dream so frequently.
It was early in my pregnancy, I didn’t know the sex of the baby yet. In my dream I was going into labor. I was in a hospital room, with a nurse and my husband. Here is the bizarre part. Instead of me giving birth to my baby my purse was! It was my Michael Kors saddle bag. The opening of the bag was literally dialating before my eyes! I saw the opening contract and retract with every labor pain. Before my very eyes I saw my baby being born, through my purse.
When the baby was finally born the nurse handed me the baby. The baby wasn’t a baby at all but a baby doll. I told the nurse no that’s not a baby its a doll. The nurse then took the baby from me cleaned it up and handed it back to me. Only this time it was a real baby. I held the baby up to my face and looked at it. It was a girl! She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I remember looking at that babies little face and instantly having this intense overwhelming feeling of pure love! I cried tears of happiness. Ive never felt this before. We think we know love, but until you hold your baby in your arms, all the love you thought you knew doesn’t even compare.
Sorry hunny, I absolutely adore you and love you too! But a mothers love for a child is something I guess only a mother can understand. A few weeks after I had this dream I went to get an ultra sound done and hopefully find out the sex of the baby. The Tech asked me if I had any idea of what I thought the sex was going to be, and if I had had any dreams. So naturally I told her about my purse dream. Turns out my dream was right! We were having a girl! apparently it is very common for pregnant women to dream about their unborn babies and discover the sex. isn’t that crazy!
So what did this dream mean? Maybe it was my fear of labor. Maybe the baby wanted me to know who she was. Either way that is definitely a dream I will never forget.

Dolly, Not just another day

So I didn’t write yesterday. Mostly because life consumed me. And by the time I had the chance my eyeballs literally screamed at me to rest them. So I relaxed with a couple of friends.
I really didn’t eve know what to say yesterday. I was so consumed in re-writing a resume and job hunting, by the time I had a chance to myself I was clueless. My header literally said ‘Untitled’.
Getting back in the job market is so overwhelming and scary. I haven’t worked in a few years so I feel super unqualified. At least I have a degree, and a cosmetology license…. And who’s going to watch the baby. Geeze who do I trust to watch her? So scary!
Babies new word is “Fish”! She has a little Nemo fish. She runs around the house saying Fiss Fiss!. She is so cute! I can’t even imagine life without her!