Dolly,

No, this is not about the big breasted blond bombshell we typically think of when we hear the name Dolly. Dolly is a nick name for my mother Dolores. It was given to her as a child by various family members. Which they still use today. But to me she is mom, or lately it has been Dolores.
You see Dolores has not spoken to me in over a year. There was a falling out of sorts last Thanksgiving at my house. You know kind you see in movies and are glad its just a movie and not your life. Well it was one of those fights but it was my life. The night was fueled with family, delicious food, beer, wine and the dreadful margarita. This was the night where all the beans were spilled. Metaphorically speaking.
Have you ever felt the that feeling where you want to say something but you know you can’t say a word. If you do you will be in “trouble”. I have felt this feeling since I was in highschool, and I am now in my thirties. Well that night, I had had enough!
I being a new mother myself, and recently mending my own life through therapy, couldn’t take it. I know I had always wanted to confront the demons that had been plagued my ability to forgive, and maybe to even love. I understood the consequences that were entailed. I had been rehashing how the scene would unravel in my mind for many years. But never thought id have the courage to face.
I did it. I confronted my demon. It was terrifying. I was shaking, I could hear my heart pounding in my ears and feel it in my fingertips. It was also refreshing, like a new breath, the weight on my shoulders dissipated. But it was at a major price. The price of sacrificing the relationship with my mother, and my step father.
So this blog is dedicated to her, my mother. In hope that maybe one day she will see things in another perspective. I don’t know if she will ever read this. She definitely will not speak to me, or even look at me. This is my way of expressing I am sorry for any hurt I caused.
I am challenging myself to write for thirty minutes a day for thirty days. I am no writer by all means. The last thing I most likely wrote was a grocery list. Although I am a college graduate from Chico State any paper properly written was well over seven years ago. I am also a wife, a sister, an auntie and a new mom.
My entries may be letters directly to my mother. Some days I may just write about the day. I am new to all this blogging stuff, so I hope to improve this blog in time with maybe some pretty pictures and other stuff. Either way Who ever is out there reading this I hope you enjoy.

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3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Philip Anderson
    Feb 24, 2014 @ 20:42:58

    Great job girl! Can’t wait to read more!

    Reply

  2. lenorahoward
    Feb 24, 2014 @ 23:58:08

    Good luck with your new blog! I certainly hope that you find some kind of closure through your writing experience. You might even help someone going through a similar problem. Maybe you’ll find the secret writer lying in wait within you! And who knows, maybe one day you and your mother will be able to mend your relationship. Either way, consider me a new follower of your blog. 🙂

    Reply

  3. Gary Sayat
    Feb 25, 2014 @ 07:03:10

    Wow you are awesome!..keep on writing and will follow along.

    Reply

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