Dolly 3, Just to clarify

First of all I would like to say I wrote a really amazing piece just now and I freaking lost it to this stupid cyber world! GRRR! So this is my second attempt tonight. Thank goodness the baby is asleep and the vino is now flowing. secondly, I would also like to thank everyone who has commented on my posts. It really means a lot to me. This has been a huge achievement and challenge in my life and I am so happy for you all to ride this new adventure with me. Thank you and I love you all!

So just to clarify, my mother is not this horrible monster who locked me up in a dark dingy dungeon somewhere and tortured me. She actually can be a very beautiful person. She was a young mother who didn’t have the best of role models. She did not know what the hell to do with a child or children for that matter. She was a child herself and she just might still be that child who doesn’t know what to do.

I do not blame her for it. I am taking this experience and making the best of it. What else am I supposed to do. Drink endless bottles of delicious red wine, and smoke myself silly? Ok… You caught me. I do indulge on many occasions. But it is all in good sensible nature.

I am not One of those crack head mommy’s with children you see on the side of the road holding signs that read “help homeless and need to feed my children” You know the ones, we all see them. We pretend not to, we lock our doors and roll up our windows, and we pray the damn light turns green soon. We pretend not to stare, but we are. Were wondering what the hell happened to them. Then we see the children’s faces and we just want to feed them or help in some way. Then finally the light turns green, the moments passed and we drive on our merrily way. No, I am not that crack head holding up sings. Just to Clarify.

I am who I am because of how I was raised. It has made me who I am today. I am a wife, a sister, a friend, and the best damn mother I can possible be. I will always strive to be the best I can be for the rest of my life. That is the only thing I know to do. And guess who instilled those morals into my life. Yup, good ol’ Dolores! ” Be the best you can be, you need to be able to take care of yourself because nobody is going to take care of you but you!” That’s what she always told us. That is what I’ve always lived by.

Ever since I could remember my mother worked, and was a single mother. She had her own business, a hair salon. She worked long days and came home tired. But she always made sure she cooked us dinner and had food in the refrigerator. She did what she could. I was able to see a woman with her own business working her butt off with four children. She was my role model for a long time. I looked up to her. She was super woman to me. Then I grew up.

I moved out when I was seventeen years old. I finished high school and put myself through college successfully. I wanted to be able to pay my own bills and bring home my own grocery’s. I figured that since I was working and helping my mother pay bills, that I could do it for myself. So I worked all through high school and college. I am ok with this, it has made me who I am today. And I am proud of who I am. No I am not perfect, but I do what I can, and I love with every ounce of me that there is. And for all of that I thank you Dolores, Mom. Thank You.

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Dolly 2

So this is day two of my writing challenge and I am not quite sure where to begin? I guess I could go into details of that night where my mother’s world came crashing down. When all she wanted to do was kick and scream. To die and hide forever in her web of secrets and lies. And all I wanted to do was punish her for making me keep her secrets, and carry on like nothing. To ignore the fact that everything I saw affected me and my life. But I won’t, the details of that night aren’t important nor are countless other nights. At least at this point in time, maybe in a later letter.
The important thing here for me, is that I feel good about what I did. I set my self free. I couldn’t keep her secrets inside any longer, and she is mad at me for that. Or maybe she’s not mad at me at all an is actually mad at herself. But she can’t seem to realize or admit that to herself. Either way I have learned how to take charge of my own life. I learned that following the patterns that were set for me in life is not always the best path to take. I have learned that hard way, and almost at the cost of my marriage. I learned that it’s ok to admit when I’m wrong or at fault. No matter how hard it may be or how hurtful, and to be ok with that.
There is not one perfect person in this whole world. I definitely am not perfect. So why do we all try so hard to be perfect? I think the imperfections of life is what makes this world so beautiful. How else can we tell if something is truly magnificent? We can’t have good without the bad. Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves to be what we are not. Or to be what someone else is or wants us to be. Each and every one of us is a liar or cheater in some sort of aspect in our lives, some more than others. lets accept it, move on and improve the parts of our lives that were not proud of. Isnt that the best we can do anyways? Were not superheros here.
I like to think that all families have their own deep dark secrets. Maybe they do, maybe they don’t, and maybe they stay in the dark. How can we live your life to its fullest with that weight on your shoulders? Some things are just meant to be said. Or are they? I guess I am on that journey of finding out.

Dolly,

No, this is not about the big breasted blond bombshell we typically think of when we hear the name Dolly. Dolly is a nick name for my mother Dolores. It was given to her as a child by various family members. Which they still use today. But to me she is mom, or lately it has been Dolores.
You see Dolores has not spoken to me in over a year. There was a falling out of sorts last Thanksgiving at my house. You know kind you see in movies and are glad its just a movie and not your life. Well it was one of those fights but it was my life. The night was fueled with family, delicious food, beer, wine and the dreadful margarita. This was the night where all the beans were spilled. Metaphorically speaking.
Have you ever felt the that feeling where you want to say something but you know you can’t say a word. If you do you will be in “trouble”. I have felt this feeling since I was in highschool, and I am now in my thirties. Well that night, I had had enough!
I being a new mother myself, and recently mending my own life through therapy, couldn’t take it. I know I had always wanted to confront the demons that had been plagued my ability to forgive, and maybe to even love. I understood the consequences that were entailed. I had been rehashing how the scene would unravel in my mind for many years. But never thought id have the courage to face.
I did it. I confronted my demon. It was terrifying. I was shaking, I could hear my heart pounding in my ears and feel it in my fingertips. It was also refreshing, like a new breath, the weight on my shoulders dissipated. But it was at a major price. The price of sacrificing the relationship with my mother, and my step father.
So this blog is dedicated to her, my mother. In hope that maybe one day she will see things in another perspective. I don’t know if she will ever read this. She definitely will not speak to me, or even look at me. This is my way of expressing I am sorry for any hurt I caused.
I am challenging myself to write for thirty minutes a day for thirty days. I am no writer by all means. The last thing I most likely wrote was a grocery list. Although I am a college graduate from Chico State any paper properly written was well over seven years ago. I am also a wife, a sister, an auntie and a new mom.
My entries may be letters directly to my mother. Some days I may just write about the day. I am new to all this blogging stuff, so I hope to improve this blog in time with maybe some pretty pictures and other stuff. Either way Who ever is out there reading this I hope you enjoy.